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OFF-ROAD NOVEMBER 1993 THE WANDERERS # 58
FORWARD: Carl and Emma live the good life. Carl, a retired Navy Chief Petty Officer, drives a huge 4WD Suburban all over the country to explore off-roading areas. The Suburban, nick-named The Whale, is loaded to the max with every goodie known to man. Emma, a very patient lady, tries to keep the short-fused Carl out of as much trouble as possible.
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Let's bring you up to date: Carl and Emma decided to do a little wandering, and headed back into the hills to explore and possibly find a good camping spot. Unfortunately, when the trail got tight and twisty, a wayward stick poked a whole in the radiator of The Whale. Then the worst news possible: When Emma went inside the suburban to fill up a few jugs from the sink, she found out that they were out of water!
We join them now as they're trying to figure out what to do:
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Carl rummaged around in the tool box and extracted a small box full of various tubes. "Aha! Here we are. I got some Aluma-Seal and I got a tube of Dr. Whiz Rad-O-Plug. I think I'll try that Rad-O-Plug; it only cost me 99 cents at the swap meet in El Paso."
Emma shook her head. "I don't think you should experiment with something unknown. I read that article in Off-Road Magazine about cooling system tricks and tips, and they said Aluma-Seal was one of the best things you could use." "Emma, who's the mechanic here? One way or another, I'll get that leak fixed. But the real problem is where are we gonna get some water?"
"Well, if you had read that article, you might know that we can use just about any kind of liquid to get us back to that gas station near the highway. See? It says right here where somebody used a mixture of Gatorade and motor oil in the radiator in an emergency."
Carl scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm. We've got all kinds of liquids in The Whale. Why don't you get as many liquids together as you can, while I fix this here radiator?"
After reading the directions on the back of the container of Dr. Whiz Rad-O-Plug, Carl mixed the epoxy and the hardener together, stirred the substance with a stick and then dabbed it in and around the hole in the radiator. In about five minutes, the gray wad had hardened like a rock.
Emma lugged a cardboard box out of The Whale and set it on the ground next to Carl. "Here's everything I could find. I hope there's enough."
Carl rummaged through the box. "Let's see ... salad oil, club soda, tomato juice, Italian dressing, Yoo-Hoo Chocolate Soda, after-shave lotion, a bottle of cheap wine, a quart of milk and two six-packs of beer. Two six packs of beer? Emma, are you nuts? There's no way I'm gonna waste perfectly good beer in a radiator! Now you put that beer back in the fridge, and we'll make do with the other stuff."
Emma started to say something, but instead, just sighed. Carl got busy pouring all of the liquids in the radiator after starting the engine.
The Whale idled contentedly as he opened up the various cans and bottles and emptied the contents into the radiator. First the tomato juice, then nine bottles of chocolate soda, then the milk and so forth. By the time Carl poured the last container - a large bottle of Kraft Italian dressing - the mixture in the radiator was a vile looking brown soup that smelled really bad.
After about ten minutes, the thermostat opened and the murky solution started burbling through the cooling system. Carl peered in the radiator spout and watched the liquid circulate, then stuck the cap back on, satisfied with his handi-work.
"Emma? I got it all fixed up, so button up all that loose stuff and let's get rolling. I wanna get back to that gas station and flush this crap out of the radiator before it turns into a pudding or something weird."
Two minutes later, Carl had The Whale turned around and started back-tracking on the trail. He kept an eye on the temperature gauge, and it seemed a little bit on the high side, but otherwise OK.
Then, right before they reached the smooth dirt road, a huge billowing cloud of dark brown steam belched out of the grill and through the gaps where the hood and fenders met. In a moment, visibility was completely lost, as the windshield got covered with the murky solution.
Carl slammed on the brakes, shut the engine off and started cursing loudly. He scrambled out, popped the hood and immediately got covered with a wet, hot, slimy mixture that was blasting out of the "repaired" hole in the radiator.
Emma stood back a safe distance and shook her head sadly from side to side. "I told you not to use something unproven. That article in Off-Road was very specific about that, and ..."
"Aww, put a cork in it, Emma! I'm not too happy about things in general right now, and I don't need you rubbing it in. Take a look at this mess!"
And a real mess it was. Brown liquid dripped slowly off the underside of the hood, and where it had hit hot parts on the engine and the exhaust, it was hardening like burnt cake batter. Carl was covered from head to foot with a substance that looked a great deal like gravy drippings.
"Emma, don't say a word. Not one word. Just go in the back of The Whale and get that tube of Aluma-Seal and a can of plug and contact cleaner."
Emma stifled a giggle and disappeared inside The Whale, while Carl wiped as much of the mess as he could off the engine compartment and windshield with rags and paper towels. Emma returned with the toolbox and the contact cleaner, and the copy of Off-Road. "Dear, maybe you might want to read this article now, because I don't think we have any liquids left."
Carl grabbed the magazine and went over to sit on a large rock to read it. Hmmm. Maybe all was not lost, after all. The article said that in an emergency, even oil could be used. Carl rummaged around in the back of The Whale and found a half dozen plastic bottles of oil, three quarts of trans fluid and some small cans of power steering and brake fluid.
He carefully poured the various fluids in the radiator. "I wonder if we'll have enough? Nope. It's still below the hole in the radiator. Dang blast it! We still need a couple quarts of something."
Emma went inside The Whale and came out a moment later with the two six-packs of beer. "Here you are, Carl. And I don't think you can argue about it now."
Carl stood there with his jaw hanging for a long time, then suddenly brightened. "Emma, there's no way I'm gonna waste all that beer. But I will recycle it! Now let's go inside The Whale, sit back, relax a bit and let me drink all that beer."
Emma seemed confused. "But if you drink it, how are you going to get it in the radiator?"
Carl smiled widely. "Back when I was in the Navy, there was this Warrant Officer by the name of Red, who told me that you couldn't buy beer. You could only rent it. I'm going to put his philosophy into action."
A startled look came over Emma's face. "You don't mean ... you can't mean!"
"I certainly do mean it. I'll guarantee you that ten minutes after I start drinking those beers, I'll .... uhh ... have to answer the call of nature, so to speak. And what better place to do it, than inside the radiator? I think old Red would be proud of me for coming up with this solution."
Emma was utterly shocked. "If you think I'm going to sit around here, waiting for you to fill up your bladder, so you can take a leak in the radiator, you're out of your mind! I'm going to go inside and watch television and don't you dare come inside until you're done with that nasty business. My mother warned me that there would be strange and trying days in any marriage, but I never thought it come to this!"
Emma went inside The Whale and slammed the door shut. As she sat there watching the soap operas, it was very hard to ignore the sound of pop tops being opened, and every 15 minutes or so, a sound much like running water. Emma sighed and turned the sound of the TV up a notch. It looked like it was going to be a very long afternoon.
OFF-ROAD NOVEMBER 1993 THE WANDERERS # 58 HEADLINES
HEADLINE: THE WANDERERS
SUBHEAD: THE ULTIMATE RECYCLING TRICK
BYLINE: BY RICK SIEMAN
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