Joke thread

[malc]

If your girlfriend or wife ever says, "If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

Apparently, "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

[malc]

The Medium:

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.
Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, she stared at the mystic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted ?"

[malc]

My wife just confessed to me she really loves holiday sex.
I'm a bit surprised.
At least she sent me a postcard.

[silver_bullet]

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."

[malc]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.


In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it
just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was
laughing.
Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she
composed herself as well as she could.


"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"




"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

[malc]

An elderly couple…

…had dinner at another couple's house.
After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I recommend it highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally asked 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' the man said and turned towards the kitchen and yelled:
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[malc]

Am I seeing something odd here..............

[silver_bullet]

[malc]

[silver_bullet]

A brunette, redhead, and blonde are stranded on the edge of a cliff. An angel appears and instructs them to jump off the cliff and say out loud what they would like to land on safely. The brunette goes first. She jumps and says, "Pillows!" She lands on a pile of pillows at the bottom. The redhead goes next. She jumps and says "Feathers!" She lands on a mass of feathers below. The blonde walks up to the edge, but trips on a rock, yelling, "Shit!" as she falls off.

[malc]

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.
Well I did.
She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

[malc]

I wrote a song today its called "Broken Alarm Clock Blues"…..
It starts.......'Woke up this afternoon'

[SuperBuickGuy]

[malc]

[silver_bullet]

A Guy urgently needed a few days off work,
But, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave.
he thought that maybe if he acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell him to take a few days off.
So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling &
Made funny noises.
His co-worker (who's blonde)! asked him what he was doing.
He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb,
So, that the Boss might think he was "Crazy" & give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What are you doing?"
He told him he was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."
He jumped down & walked out of the office...
When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him,
The Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?!"
She said,
"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!