Joke thread

[SuperBuickGuy]

This is going up in my office

[70chevyC-10]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.

[Deaf Bob]

Lol^^^^

[malc]

A Chinese guy was sitting next to me at the bar the other day.
I asked him "Do know any martial arts like Kung Fu, Karate, Jui Jitsu ?"
He said "Why you ask me dat ?"
"Is it coz I is Chinese?"
"No" I said "It's because you're drinking my bloody beer!"


"Dad, why did you and mum name my sister Teresa? "
"Because your mum loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of it."
"Thanks Dad"
"That's ok Alan"

[fatguyzinc]

united and malaysia air are merging--that way
when they beat the hell out of a passenger,
no one will ever find out.....

[malc]

[malc]

"Look at you, folding the laundry.
Yesterday it was the dishes.....just what part of.....No, you're not buying a £15,000 hot rod, don't you understand ?"

[silver_bullet]

somebody owes me a refill and a keyboard.....

[SuperBuickGuy]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,.........

...............But I play golf on Fridays!

[SuperBuickGuy]

There was this gas station trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "free sex." Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he

guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, No, you were close, the number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time."

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill up, and again asked for his free sex.


The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time, and the proprietor said, Sorry, it was 3. You were close again but no free sex this time".


As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think the game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".


The buddy replied, "No its not rigged - my wife won twice last week."

[malc]

Two Brits, Dave and John, had a plane crash into a desert.
Luckily they survived unharmed.
As they travelled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they spotted a mosque ahead.
They became very hopeful.

Dave said, "They might help us if they think we're Muslims.

I'm going to tell them my name is Mohammed. ."

But John said, "That's ridiculous, I'm just going to tell them the truth."

They knocked on the door of the mosque, and were greeted by the Imam.

"What are your names?"

Dave said, 'My name is Mohammed', and John said 'And I'm John'.

The Imam said 'Hello John, you poor man.

My men will get you food and drink immediately.'

Then the Imam turned to Dave: "And Mohammed, happy Ramadan!"

[SuperBuickGuy]

This tire is the tits

[SuperBuickGuy]

"Hillary’s Urgent Request
Upon hearing the awful news that a member of the Supreme Court had passed away, Hillary phoned the president’s office. It was just past midnight.
“I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, President Trump’s assistant agreed to wake him up.
“What is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, bellowed Trump.
“A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary.
“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the President."

[Deaf Bob]

"Hillary’s Urgent Request
Upon hearing the awful news that a member of the Supreme Court had passed away, Hillary phoned the president’s office. It was just past midnight.
“I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, President Trump’s assistant agreed to wake him up.
“What is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, bellowed Trump.
“A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary.
“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the President."

PERFECT!

[fatguyzinc]

why was michael jacksons bedroom just like the costco food court?
because of the 50yr old hotdog stuffed into 10yr old buns..............